Stress Induced Insanity – The Global Tofay

Stress Induced Insanity - The Global Tofay Global Today

Its been a while since I’ve while since I wrote a blog. In actuality, I kind of ran out of what I felt was meaningful topics to talk about concerning guns. Don’t get me wrong I’m always willing to take on a conversation that will enlighten people about the safety and the factual evidence that prove guns are not the issue in our world today. This blog actually helped me see that I embrace many conversations. I realized that guns weren’t the only issue we were having that needed to be addressed. There are so much more things that have a direct effect on our culture, and some of them play right in to the issues that we have with guns. This platform actually helped me to come with a more suitable idea for myself to get some of my ideas out. I created a podcast called “THE GREY AREA”. Boy was in for a treat! I’m blessed to have some the greatest conversations, deal with some of the biggest problems, hear some of the greatest opinions and so much more. If your interested in listening, you can check them out on the majority of all major listening platforms. Hopefully I still have your attention, cause this is about to be my personal therapy session, and I hope you find yourself dealing with some of the same things, or even worse, it will help you to keep pushing.

As of today I am 30 years old. All my life I’ve been told I have so much potential, God has his hand on me and so much more. However with all these positive gestures and motivating comments, life has been interesting. I mean I’m alive and still free to be who I am, so with that being said, There isn’t too much that I should be complaining about. In todays world if someone says “hey how you doing” and you say in return “I’m good, I cant complain”…lets be honest you probably could. You just don’t because, you yourself know, everyone has something they got going on and/or if you do complain, whose really going to listen and care. These last 6 years…I’ve made some of the biggest and dumbest mistakes. I can only count 1 blessing that made itself available out of these mistakes. And that was my daughter. She has been my everything and still is! I wouldn’t change having her in my life for anything, but if I could change how she got here, meaning the time and circumstances, I would!

Before I go any further I want to make sure my last statement isn’t misinterpreted by any means. Her mother is an amazing mother to our daughter. God forbid anything happens to me, my daughter would be well taken care of, and that’s facts! However we were young, with no clear understanding of where we going in our own individual lives, let alone relationship wise. I was on the brink of losing everything(yet again) and in between jobs, dealing drugs in the streets, having sex with this young woman, feeding her possibilities with no priorities in place. No Job, no pension, no health benefits, and now on my my way to no car and no apartment! As my pops would tell me after finding out I did something like this “Just Stupid” lol. Although at the time it wasn’t funny at all. So here I am, I’ve lost my job, car, apartment and more, and my dumb ass proposes to her. And she says yes! Smh! Pure case of “What the hell is wrong with you Drew?”. About a week later we find out that she is pregnant! Now I have no job, no car, no apartment, but a young fiancé who just wants to believe her man is different then what she sees on social media, and her past. Young and stupid love will do that to you. If she would have looked harder, she would have seen, he may be nice, he may not hurt me or beat me, but I’m going to need much more than that to enter into a lifetime agreement with you!

Before you say something ignorant, like (she must not have had her dad in her life…) oh he was there as he always has. But you know like I know “People gone do what they want”! About a week later after I put a engagement ring on her finger…(by the way I only could afford it because I had just got my school loan, that’s how I bought it). P.s. the more I write this I am trying not to laugh cause clearly, all the lessons that I had been taught had gone straight out the window. But I digress, after this school bought engagement, we then find out, we are having a baby! “this just keeps getting better and better…IDIOT”. So fast forward to us having our bundle of joy, happy to say that I did have a job, but nothing promising, its what I had. I began to plague myself with these anxiety based thoughts that would only make bad matters worse…LETS GET MARRIED NOW! Which was the stupidest thing I could have done at that time. We had this beautiful little girl but still no personal real love connection. The lies, the cheating, the sabotage, the entitlement, the abandonment, the selfishness, the finesse, the wars, all this that we did to each other stems back to the decision I made to have unprotected sex with unprotected identities. The majority of our marriage was lived separately with this toxic sense of entitlement to one another in the most problematic way.

By the time we both came to terms to actually end it, one would say, “its about time” or you might say “its sad that it took all this”. Its going to take an immense amount of counseling for the both us to deal with hurt we caused. But with the teams we have(family, friends, connections ext.) I’m sure we will be ok. Can you understand my thoughts about my daughter?

Now at this current time I still have a lot of struggles. Work and fatherhood mostly take the cake. Between trying to climb out of this barrel of life inflicted and more self inflicted wounds, I find myself sometimes having the hardest time of trying to balance and breath. Relationships have never been the easiest in my life, even from birth with being adopted. So I’ve struggled in more areas then a couple. But now that I have a daughter, her life and opinions of it will greatly depend on her relationship with her father. But that is very hard, when you have to work, and stay above float, while still taking care of the issues created in your past!

This year might be the most “WTF” years ever. As I talked about earlier, I started a podcast and had a great time doing it. It actually went better then I expected. With the Covid-19 pandemic that plagued this country, the government decided it was going to do a solid for its citizens. So many people lost so much in the last year, the government started giving out stimulus checks, loans, forgiven loans and so much more. With my situation being what its been, I most certainly needed to tap in to try and get some of that money. I had it all planned out. 2021 would have been the first year I would have gotten a tax return in 3 years. So I was going to get that money plus get money for the business loan having my podcast. All in all it was going to add up to total amount of $21,000.00+. CAN YOU SAY BIG BREAK!!!! WRONGG!!!!! Just when I thought I was in the clear, here comes identity theft. So I got no tax return and no business loan! Right back to square one.

Not to long after that, I got his with an insurance claim, amounting to 22,000.00 for an accident I got into back in 2019. I had just started my real job and every thing was going great. The years prior to 2019 I had struggled and it showed. I love to give for holidays and birthdays, but never had the money to do it how I really wanted to. Here comes Christmas! I was splurging all kinds of hard earned money. However, I wasn’t handling my business. While buying all these gifts for family and friends, I let my car insurance lapse, and then BOOM…just like that. I had run my 2012 Nissan Sentra into the back of a 2018 Infinity truck! If you haven’t poured yourself a drink at this point I applaud you lol. My life seemed like it shattered at that point. I had to take back gifts so I could pay to get my car out of the impound lot and handle court fees and so much more. The walk of shamed seemed like it lasted for forever. Two years later I’m still dealing with it.

For the last 5 years I’ve been pursing my passion to become a commissioned police officer in the city of Cleveland, OH. Seems to be the hardest accomplishment to achieve, but I believe I will get it done. Why has it taken 5 years you ask? Ill tell you! On top of dealing with a drawn out marriage, I also began to deal with a health issue. All my life I was an athlete. I ran track, played football, did boxing, and even played some baseball. As an adult I even did some fitness coaching and health coaching with food along the way. So when I got hit with sciatica out out of no where, needless to say I couldn’t complete the tasks needed to complete the police academy. That brought on a high area of depression, a lot of drinking, smoking and some serious self doubt! I gained a lot of weight and still struggle to get back my mental toughness to be lifestyle healthy. A year ago, my older brother completed the police academy. He didn’t necessarily want to be a police officer, but in our family, helping or being apart of the help is part of the DNA make up. So when the opportunity came available he took it. This dude from day one has done nothing but be a prodigy as an officer. From speaking at his graduation for his class, to within his first year becoming an officer of the month and also starting an organization within the department. Needless to say the family and so many others are very proud of him. AS THEY SHOULD BE. I KNOW I CERTINLY AM!!

But if I’m honest it wasn’t always like that! I had a hard hat of jealousy and envy because for me this was a passion. From the outside looking in, this just seemed like an opportunity that just fell in his lap. Seeing how happy our pops was for him completing this goal was like…ok so y’all know the story of joseph in the bible who got the coat from his father and the brothers didn’t like that? I wasn’t that bad to the point where I wanted to figure out how to get rid of my brother, but my reasonings for wanting to be a cop certainly changed. What started out as pure, became prideful, envious, and cunning. I had now entered into a mentality where I thought I was in a competition. That if I entered I would for sure lose. He was never in competition with me! How do you compete against something that never had the desire to step in your arena. It became very clear, that my problem was in the wrong place. I signed up to fight the wrong person.

Envy and jealousy can put you in the worst of places, especially if there was no need for them to be formed within you to begin with. These emotions not only were wrong but if I’m totally honest, probably speak to the reason of why I may not have been ready to be a police officer at that time. That’s the worst part about understanding yourself…you cant lie to yourself! At this point in my life, I’m extremely excited for my brother. I hope that when I get on board, that he will be happy for me, just as much!

If I had the patience of some of you writers I would probably spill the beans of a few more issues that I’ve gone through but this will have to do. I wrote this blog for a few reasons. One reason being, when your the one going through the problems, it can seem like a lot to deal with in your head. so I wanted to put it down on paper. To actually put my thoughts and feelings out and look at them. The other reason was not to get a pity party or anything like that, but to actually give some assurances. If your still alive and still going through, that’s only more reason to see the issue through in its entirety, it makes no sense to have all these problems only to shy away from them with the hopes that they go away with you living in shame rather than walking in victory with your head high in accomplishments. I hope my issues and thoughts of how to get through them helped you in some kind of way! Be blessed

#Stress #Induced #Insanity

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